Sunday, May 22

Enough is Enough

My eyes are swollen. I cried a lot today. I reached my breaking point and I realized: enough is enough.

I had a perfectly lovely morning at church with Hubs. No more than ten minutes after we arrived home, it started. Pain creeping up my legs; fever starting to consume my body; headache, neckache, spine-ache. I was starting to panic, so confused at the sudden change my body was making. When these flares hit, it's always fairly sudden, but never this sudden. I could tell I was having a low-blood-sugar moment as well, because my hands were shaking and I was really hungry. I got a glass of juice and went to lay in bed. I drank my juice, ate my lunch propped up in bed, and thought I'd stick it out there for a few hours until I improved. (Which was so disappointing, by the way, because the plan was that I would help Hubs do the sheetrock in Baby's room after we ate lunch.)
Sheetrock did not get done this afternoon. I lost my lunch within an hour of eating- no clue as to why. And with that, I just plain lost it.

This afternoon I had a clear realization: I cannot do this anymore. This "double life" I feel like I live - fine some days, confined to bed other days. People see me in public and say I look "healthy" and "great." Those are just my good moments, and I have so many bad moments and bad days that people don't see. It's not a simple situation that we're in. It's not a quick-fix. I just know I am TIRED of trying to manage it myself, TIRED of trying to avoid foods and increase activities that may or may not help, TIRED of not knowing what exactly it is I'm dealing with, and SO TIRED of not having a diagnosis. We need to find a doctor that will help me. A physician I can trust, that won't pressure me to go on toxic medications that I can't imagine being on for the next fifty years, but who will find any other way I can be helped. A doctor who will truly listen, and who is in medicine for the right reasons - who wants to help people get WELL, and who will above all, do no harm. I've been avoiding doctors, because I trusted them too much and I ended up more sick. But I need to give them another try. I am desperate, and I can't do this anymore.

This is no life. It's just existing. I can't do what I want to do, because my body is limiting me. Prayers that we find a great doctor (probably a Rheumatologist - a specialist in auto-immune and inflammatory diseases) would be so appreciated. And even more appreciated are prayers that we discover an answer to this maddening cycle of mystery symptoms that keep me from working and keep me from living a 26-year-old's life. Whether it is inflammatory/peripheral arthritis, fibromyalgia, ankylosing spondilytis, rheumatoid arthritis, or something else completely, I don't even care; I will face any diagnosis at this point. Only from there can I move forward with confidence that ALL the effort I'm making to try to help my body heal is actually making a difference. I am too exhausted to carry on all these possibly-healthy-maybe-making-it-better habits without knowing. I just can't do it anymore. Enough is enough.