Tuesday, March 26

yet will I trust Him

I have had a head ache almost constantly for four days. no, five.
not easy.
I am also having a major arthritis flare. with every step my spine feels a jolt and a surge of pain, and my joints are hot and aching.
The only thing I can think of causing this random flare is my recent med change from Tacro to Cyclosporine.
I have four doctor appointments this week- praying for good reports and clear answers at each one!

Waking up every day to little or no progress is So hard. Feeling or seeing my body do crazy things, like a bunch of lymph nodes swelling and starting to hurt overnight, or my spleen blowing up and poking me every time I breathe - so many mind monsters to evict. so much opportunity to freak out and panic - nope, I wont do it. temptation to give up - never.

I was talking to my husband one day, feeling particularly frustrated about the main thing that frustrates me in my life: why does God allow a person with huge vision and dreams, to be stuck in bed and not able to do those things?
I believe one day I will be healed, and hope that day will be tomorrow, or the day after that. However, every day I am not healed, it is hard in those already tough moments that are stretching me so thin I could break, because of ongoing pain, physical exhaustion, feeling isolated and unable to be the mom or wife or friend or (fill in the blank) I want to be.

And then my husband wisely said, "Well how do you think Job felt?"

Job. What a great story, one of my favorites. A man who was faithful to God all his life, and had blessing and favor to be envied. One day the Enemy came along and decided Job would surely denounce the Lord if all the good things in his life were taken away. God allowed him to lose family members, friends, wealth, health...
It is a great story because Job stands firm. His friends come along, trying to "help" but really just encouraging him to give up and die. Job has some hard days, but he doesn't give up on his God. and in the end, all he lost is restored and multiplied beyond what he had before. Wow.

After my hubby brought up Job, I started pondering that, and one verse popped into my head. The verse where Job responds to his friends with, "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."

That is my response to all of this. Though I do not like my circumstances, I will not let them turn my heart bitter. I refuse to take the road of cynicism. I am not going to stop seeing my God as the loving, gracious, generous Savior that He has been to me.
He has been so good to me for all of my life- before I knew it, then before I acknowledged it, and now in the midst of this sickness, when I am so aware of how good He is to me.

He is a good God, and He always has good in mind for us. He is far wiser than I will ever be. In my heart, this is settled.
So no matter what fires He allows me to walk through, I declare, "yet will I trust Him!"